Father's Day is still Hard

Father's day has always been a tough holiday for me to navigate. Growing up, I didn't have a defined father, so I would wish my deceased grandfather a "happy father's day". But I only met him once or twice before he died, I was only about 4. Then I would wish my adopted uncle (no actual relation) a "happy father's day" but he wasn't really in my life after the age of 6. Then for many years I would say the stupid, "well, god is my father," to get over my lack. Eventually, the day made me bitter, sad, angry, and uncomfortable. I tried to erase the day from existence by actively ignoring it. Unfortunately, the harder I tried to ignore it, the more I focused on it. It became my "elephant in a tutu".

Two years ago now, I learned who my biological father is. I know his name, what he looks like. I have even met him a couple times. You would think this knowledge would make the day easier. Unfortunately, you would think wrong. All this knowledge did was create a new form of stress. Instead of trying desperately to avoid the day because I have no knowledge of my father and I am angry, I now want to avoid it because I have no idea what level of familiarity is acceptable. 

Let me explain. Yes, he is my father. It took me months to get to that point and to be able to express that fact, but I will not deny that I refer to him as my father in social settings and when explaining my history. But, while he is my father, he wasn't (and isn't, really) in my life. While he is my father, I don't really know him and, I'm still uncertain if I really want to. He has a wife and three boys that he needs to be involved with; he is their father, not mine, not in that sense. 

Growing up I struggled because I had no one to wish a happy father's day. Now I struggle because I do but it doesn't feel right to do so.